TO YOU.

09 November 2009 @ 12:01 pm

I don’t know what this whole mess is about. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

Let’s see… 2 days ago, you said that you were scared that you wouldn’t be able to balance your commitments. So I wanted to help you. You know why? Because I knew you wouldn’t want to initiate a breakup at any cost. But if I saw that you were struggling to cope, I’d rather initiate it for your sake so that you wouldn’t have to suffer for your academics. (In this day and age, grades are the most important shit in this world so, yeah, our relationship comes last as a priority.) So then if we didn’t want to come to this stage, then I felt that I should help you to start studying early so that you wouldn’t feel like you have no time, and also for you to cultivate some interest in studying and hence make it not so hard for you to mug if we study together.

I wanted to help you partly also because I was selfish – I couldn’t live without you. I love you, and it would kill me if I had to end this. If you had to choose to give up one of your commitments, face it -- the first thing to go is me.

Okay, so I proposed going out to study with you on Tuesday, and going out to play on Wednesday. I wanted to start early with you so that you wouldn’t feel so rushed. And since we wouldn’t be able to see each other for about a month, I thought maybe we could spend time studying and playing together for the amount of time that we do see each other.

But you said you still wanted to do things that we said we wanted to do after promos, and that you were afraid that we would have no time for that if we started studying first. You also said that there was no need for me to ask you to go out to study so soon because you could study on your own while I was away. You said you just needed my encouragement, and that you would try your best to do well next year and balance your commitments. You wanted to go out and spend “quality time” with me while we could still see each other. You didn’t see the need for us to study together now. Instead, you said that we could go out less next year so that you would have more time to study.

But then I was thinking, if you just need my encouragement in order to do well, then… Are you sure that is enough? Didn’t I give you encouragement throughout the promos period as well? And still, I saw you looking so emo and upset that you disappointed yourself, your teachers, and your fellow councillors. Have you any idea how terrible I felt sitting there because I didn’t know how to comfort you? Do you have any idea how worried I am for you? Next year is going to be a whole lot more hectic and difficult to cope with. All I wanted was to help you get started, because usually that is the hardest part.

You asked me if I thought that you weren’t trying hard enough. I know you studied very hard, probably harder than me. But the results failed to show that effort. Kaimin and I are very worried for you, and I don’t think it’s just the both of us. Many of your classmates are also worried about you. So then I suggested that you go meet with teachers and seniors to get some tips from them or something to improve your studying method.

The truth is, I don’t know what you need. So I try to help you in whatever way that I can.

So then you promised that you would try your best. I said okay. If you don’t feel like you need me to study with you now then I guess I’m okay with that. We can go out and have fun, since we’re not going to go out so often next year anymore.

I was only giving you an alternative. I was trying to come to terms with that arrangement when I said that to you. Yet you said that I sounded like I didn’t care.

How could you? HOW DARE YOU? If I didn’t care for you, why the hell would I be talking to you about this? Why the hell would I be talking to Kaimin and asking for advice on how to help you? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING TALKING TO YOU OVER THE PHONE AND WASTING MY TIME AND MY TEARS OVER YOU?

So what the fuck is it that you want me to do? I want to study with you, then you say no need and that I shouldn’t try to do so much. I leave it up to you, then you say that I don’t care.

When I said that to you, you reluctantly said that you would go out to study with me.

Do you honestly think I’ll be happy if you said that? I can’t tell you specifically what I need or what I want. It’s up to you because it’s all for you!

You know what? Just forget it. We might as well don’t go out at all.


Current Mood: exhausted