ambition.

08 September 2009 @ 06:26 pm

I am not a very ambitious person. And I don’t think I will look for a job that makes me sit at a desk and do academic work, or be a lawyer, or a doctor, or some really stressful job. You know what? I want to do something different. Like be a counselor. Or a social worker. Or a baker. Something that might not give me a heck lot of monetary benefits, but is a job that I know I will enjoy doing. So I don’t think I’ll be going overseas, even if I get the chance to.

There’s also one main reason why I feel like staying in Singapore. Once Harrison goes into the army, I’ll never be able to stay close to him once I start studying in a university overseas. I don’t mind sacrificing the major career that I could have had for him.

But the thing is… he has ambition. And how could I ever bear to make him stay because of me? I asked him about his ambition, and I kinda hinted about my willingness to stay behind, but he probably didn’t get it anyway. And why should he? Why the hell did I ask that question about his ambition, when I already knew the answer anyway?

I shall try my best then, to do as well as I can, so that I’ll be able to go overseas if I really want to. … Better to give myself more options than to limit myself now, right?

You could say I’m experiencing some sort of relationship crisis right now. All of a sudden, a thought occurred to me:

Why am I in a relationship that probably won’t last?

I know, people say that it’s better to have loved fully and be hurt than to never love at all. But those people say it when they’re not in a relationship. How the hell would they know for real? I’m a very emotional person who tends to put a lot (sometimes too much) of emphasis on friendships and relationships. At the end of it all, the guy will chase his dreams, while the girl is left behind to clean up the pieces of this broken fantasy.

WHY THE HELL AM I IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT PROBABLY WON’T LAST?

Why did he ask me to be his girlfriend? At an age when things are unpredictable and unstable? It feels as though I’m there just to put a little more excitement and amusement into his JC life. A toy. Nothing more.
After graduation, we’ll both move into the real world out there, where both of us will chase our own ambition and forget about this relationship because we can’t keep close contact with each other anymore. Our tastes might change, along with our character.

What then?

So now, I’m in a relationship that I cherish a lot, although I know that at the end I will get hurt very badly. Why am I putting myself through this? Because I love him?

This is freaking ridiculous. My relatives and teachers have warned me about this before. Why is it that only now, nearly 4 months into a relationship, do I realize the true meaning of this message?

Should I pull back every time we get close? Maybe if I do that, the pain wouldn’t be so great.

It seems pretty selfish, doesn’t it? I’m protecting myself from… well, myself. What about him? He loves me too. Is it fair to him?

What about his ambition? Is it fair to me to wait for a guy who probably will move on with the times? Should I just move on myself?

Now I don’t know how to treat this relationship. What am I going to do?


Current Location: at home
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: the noise that my fan makes