sigh.

09 September 2009 @ 01:49 pm

I am the lousiest girlfriend that any guy could have.

I never realized that in order to fully accept him, I’d have to first accept what he does, which means accepting Council. I’ve never been fond of authority. I’ve never liked the Student Council back in NY, or the prefects back at SNGS, even though I was a prefect before. Even as a prefect, or someone with a leadership position, I’d break rules all the same. The thing about me is that, I would never follow rules that I deem stupid, and I hate rigidity and conformity and inflexibility. Which kinda explains why I’m not cut out for council or any other high leadership positions. I tend to rebel. I wanna live my life the way I like it, in an ever-changing environment with no silly rules.

But now that my boyfriend is the Vice President of the Student Council, I can no longer despise the Council or sneer at their efforts because by doing so, it would mean that I despise what he stands for. It would mean that I despise him. By teasing him about the stuff that the Council does, I am just giving him the message that I’m not supporting him.

He supports me in whatever that I do. How is it that he is happy without my support? How can I ask for support if I don’t give it? I’ve been so selfish all this while. And the thing is, I never realized I was being selfish.

I can’t face him right now. I’m way too embarrassed and ashamed of myself to face him, much less accept his love.

Harrison, I’m sorry for not helping your mood improve. I couldn’t even do a simple thing like that. I couldn’t fulfill the smallest and most basic things that a girlfriend should do. I’m sorry I have such a horrible temper. I’m sorry for being so emotional all the time. I’m sorry for being such a complete failure.

I am just so sorry.

I want to help you get through your problems instead of adding to them. I want to learn how to be a better person and be able to support you too. I don’t want to be at the receiving end of this relationship all the time. I want to give. I may take a while to learn and change myself, but I will try.

Will you help me?