i'm having a lousy day.

I don't know what i'm feeling. It's an overwhelming emotion of exasperation, but with myself, or with others? That i'm not sure of... But it's probably myself. I can't steel myself fully. Part of me has already let go and moved on but the other part just refuses to put down the past. There's always something hanging around...

Tried to remove traces of our relationship from my room. But my heart ached as I put them away. Three and a half years' worth of memories is not something that I can toss out of my mind immediately. Staying with someone for such a long period of time -- doesn't that account for anything? Am I the weak one who was defeated by a long-distance relationship? Is anything really so wrong with the relationship that I had to put an end to it? 

But I can't look back now. He is probably already over me and it would look and feel really stupid if we tried to get back together now. I know that the only thing left for me to do is to pick myself up and move on. The problem is whether or not I am ready to go into another relationship. Probably not as this point in time.

Being an INFJ often means that I keep trying to look for the perfect partner -- the ideal one who can match me intellectually and be there for me emotionally. Someone who is patient with me and will never leave me. Most of all, someone who can understand me. This last part is often the hardest to find, because even I don't understand myself sometimes. My emotions sway with the flow of time and I am overwhelmed by both my memories and feelings. But what is "perfect"? Having such high expectations usually means great disappointment. Truth is, I can't find that person and I don't think I will ever be able to. I guess I should change my priorities and lower my expectations. But I figure I managed to realize this about myself only after I broke up with him. So there are pros as well.

Maybe the question I should be asking myself is whether or not someone like me even fit to be in a relationship? I detest those who cannot understand me and don't bother trying, preferring to spread rumours and believe the shallow comments that other like-minded people make. But the few that I allow into my life I often hurt. And I'm afraid of hurting them. Would they be better off hanging out with those that don't understand me instead? 

I hate myself when I'm like this. I can't find a solution because I can't identify the problem. What should I do?