... is a question asked by all undergraduates preparing to graduate in a few months. Sometimes asked too early, when they generally don't understand enough about themselves and the world that they think they understand; sometimes asked too late, when graduates panic about being left out by the job market and hurriedly, desperately, grab whatever job that comes along.
Am I asking this too late? Too early? Am I just thinking too much about this?
And if I am, is it healthy to be doing so? Or not? I still don't think it's unhealthy to think critically and analyze my decisions because these will carry on a long way - studying medicine for instance, will at least take the next 10 years or so. There are so many complications and factors to consider, like starting a family, buying a house, etc.
I was thinking of doing medicine since around Year 2 Sem 2, triggered mostly because of my grandaunt's persistent rejection of any ideals and treatment regarding Western medicine. And when she fell severely sick, there was nothing I could do for her. I hated that helplessness. I wanted to be a part of the solution, to be involved in the process of making people better through the application of science - what I was studying. I wanted to be at the forefront of actually, physically making people better, and at the same time, help them recover with emotional and mental support.
That's what my heart wanted. I thought of giving up this dream many times mainly because science just doesn't seem to be my cup of tea. But my heart would cry every time, and I believed that I could achieve whatever I wanted and be the best that I could - all I need to do is just work harder.
Naïveté? Probably. All this I felt, despite knowing that biology was already killing me when I was studying for MCAT. And the fact that I already saw how comparatively lousier I was at chemistry than the rest of my peers. So what if I'm from HC? I'm a jack of all trades maybe but a master of DEFINITELY NOT SCIENCE. I'm a logical person, yes - but that does not mean I'm good at science. Not at all. Uh-uh.
Plus, I've regretted choosing chemistry as my undergraduate course for four years. Can I safely say I will prevail in... another 10 years' worth of academic studies in biology/anatomy/physiology/histology/etc.? Am I about to throw my future away just because my mum is determined that medicine is not for me; I'm totally cut out for marketing and business, and I just want to prove her wrong?
Another thing - "Volunteering is great - it's interesting talking to patients and finding out more about their backgrounds, hearing their stories, keeping them company, ..."Honestly though, is volunteering supposed to benefit me or the patients? I can't help but feel every time that I'm just disrupting their rest and quiet time, and that they're probably already so sick of repeating the same story to volunteers or social workers. I really don't think that this type of volunteering is helping them at all. I thought it was helpful to keep them company, but I don't think they need my company. I'm probably just doing this because I want to show the medical school application review board that I'm kind-hearted and I really believe in helping people, blah-blah-blah.
Taking a step back, I realised that I don't need to prove to anyone that I'm a kind person. Kindness is also not shown only through volunteerism. Anyone who knows me well can vouch for me when I say that I do care a lot about people, and help them wherever I can. In fact I often overcommit to things... resulting in a whole lot of trouble for myself.
After repeatedly thinking of giving up medicine, then holding on, and then giving up again, I think it's really time to stop lying to myself. As my dad likes to say, when one door closes, another opens.
I know for a fact that there's something I'm much better at, that I'm much more (truly) passionate about, that excites me, that drives me. I hereby announce to the world - and to myself - that I will enter the business world of marketing, strategy, and beyond. I will be better than so many other people who have doubted me (hello, all you consulting and big-shot companies that reject people who are second-lower and below - you don't know what you're missing out on). And to med school, I rejected you long before you rejected me, tee-hee.
... Damn, this sounds so petty. It's kind of a logical but emotional rant... The emotional part is probably just my way of getting over this for now. It'll soften over time and with experience. So just indulge me for a bit la.
Now that I've let it all out, I'm not going to look back anymore. I'm looking forward to the future. To graduating from the nightmare that is studying science, to working for an incubator or a fragrance firm, to buying a house and getting married, to having kids and bringing them up... There's a lot more to life. And I'm not going to miss out on any of that.
P.S. I think when I eventually get a car, I might start volunteering again, to deliver food/supplies to patients or to ferry them to their medical appointments. I think I'm much more useful like that. Volunteering should be about the patient and not about me.
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